I’M RIGHT REVIEWS’ DEFINITIVE RANKING OF 2024 MOVIES – PART 5 (#10 – #6)

Let’s drag this out a little longer, shall we? I’m trying to keep these posts brief so I’ve decided to split the top 10 into two parts. I know, I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait another six days to find out what the best movie of the year is! The truth is, I have to wait another six days as well since I still haven’t decided on my favourite and I probably won’t until the last possible second. But know when that top 5 goes live, I’ll have made the right choice. Probably. Or I’ll change my mind later and subtly edit the order and make you think you’ve gone crazy.

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#10. CONCLAVE

Edward Berger’s follow-up to his chilling remake of All Quiet on the Western Front is a decidedly less dour affair, replacing the horrors of war with the horrors of…having a bunch of scandalous religious figures sit in rooms, trying to uncover dirt on each other. It would all read as silly if Berger weren’t so deft when it comes to creating tension and never letting it go; you’re nary allowed even a chance to rest and realize the sheer absurdity of it all. We’re restricted within the Sistine Chapel and yet we can feel the worldwide reverberations of the Pope’s death; the overwhelming importance of the chosen successor contrasted with the deplorable behaviour of those who are supposed to be up to the task. Ralph Fiennes is the glue that holds the film and the bishops together, a force working behind the scenes to ensure a bright future for an ailing Catholic Church but unsure of his own place among the madness. It all makes for a surprisingly uplifting movie, one that’s content to be tense but not bleak, moving but not depressing. Please give Mr. Berger the keys to the Bond franchise. Please. Sam Mendes’ era is over, it’s time for the Berger years. It’s what we deserve and what he deserves (unless working under Amazon’s nasty fist is hell for a director, in which case he does not deserve that one bit).

#9. I SAW THE TV GLOW

I love when a movie is good the first time and great the second time. Something about finding more reasons to love something I was already a fan of activates something in my brain, like I’m solving a new puzzle from an old box. I Saw the TV Glow was a somewhat opaque (pun intended, for those who have seen it) experience when I saw it in theatres; I knew it was gesturing at themes of identity but I couldn’t quite pin it down amidst the neon chaos. A second viewing opened up the door for me to realize that I Saw the TV Glow is profoundly, refreshingly depressing. So, so depressing. I felt…not good after watching it. Like I was going through something that I’d never struggled with before. I can only imagine that someone who truly is experiencing a crossroads of identity would be devastated, possibly even moved to action upon seeing what can happen when you repress, repress, repress. It’s easy to interpret the film as being exclusively about not embracing or even acknowledging one’s trans identity but I think most people could find an analogue within themselves. Justice Smith takes us through a man’s life, from adolescence to adulthood, and perfectly navigates that infuriating sense that he could change if he wanted to, if only he had a tad more courage. But he never does. Never. Sometimes people never become themselves and that’s terrifying. 

#8. A REAL PAIN

I’ve done what David (Jesse Eisenberg) and Benji Kaplan (Kieran Culkin) do in A Real Pain; I’ve gone to Poland and witnessed the concentration camps and learned a tad about the Jewish history of Poland in the process. Granted, I was 17, adamantly atheist, and annoying as hell about it, so to say I got a lot out of that trip would be a tragic exaggeration. For me to finally resonate with that quintessential experience from the confines of a movie theatre rather than in Poland…it’s rather embarrassing. But that’s just a testament to how effective and veritable A Real Pain is. Eisenberg’s smart, tight, touching script offers Culkin a performance only he could master, balancing mania and a lack of self-awareness with a unique lovability. You instinctively understand David and Benji’s fraught history and feel the enduring struggle David has with his tortured cousin; the jealousy he has for Benji’s magnetic personality and the frustration when he reverses polarity, pushing away his loved ones at the drop of a hat. The small but powerful cast of side characters are relatable and tender and so easy to love; they’re a charmingly eclectic group of people who have their own reasons for touring Poland and the camps – even the tour guide himself is layered and conflicted. Come for Culkin’s Oscar-winning performance, stay for a real treat of a script. 

#7. NOSFERATU

Eggers will do what Eggers does, and what he does is consistently dazzle me. The Lighthouse may be his magnum opus but Nosferatu serves up a phenomenal fucked-up fiasco of dark gothic vibes, horrifying imagery, and Bill Skarsgard’s unsettling interpretation of our good friend Nosey. Lily-Rose Depp continues to impress me: of all the things wrong with The Idol, she was not one of them and whatever the hell she’s doing in Nosferatu…she should keep doing that, it works incredibly well for what Eggers was going for here. Nosferatu is everything I asked for – not a masterpiece but an uncompromising, gory, gross, sexy, bleak, uncomfortable film in the most enjoyable way possible. Final thought: I would pay to see a Robert Eggers vs. Ari Aster boxing match.

#6. HUNDREDS OF BEAVERS

Hundreds of Beavers is the best movie of 2024. Yes, it’s been placed at #6. This is a mistake. It has to be, because Hundreds of Beavers is an unparalleled achievement in filmmaking the likes of which has never been witnessed before. It’s a slapstick Looney Tunes-esque video-game-logic black-and-white dialogue-less fever dream descent into the beaver-induced madness of a man seeking vengeance against the castorically-coded creatures who upended his applejack booze business. Have you ever known of anything more beautiful? The execution is an enlightened menagerie of gags with a brilliant approach to callbacks and a sense of humour that, once the movie really gets going about 20 minutes in, turns quantity and quality up to 11 non-stop. Oh, and it was made for $150k. You could make 1333 Hundreds of Beaverses for the budget of Ant Man and the Wasp: Quantumania. And I would watch Hundreds of Beavers 1333 times before giving Ant Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (yes, I insist on typing out the whole absurd title) a single glance. Get high, get sober, whatever you want, no matter what you’ll have an incredible time watching Hundreds of Beavers. It’s irresistible. It’s genius. It’s the closest we’ve ever gotten to reaching God.